Sunday, May 15, 2011

The funny thing about love.

I am tired.  I am sitting in bed, eyes closing, stomach aching and a serious case of self pity going.  I have lost it about 6 times today - crying about everything.  My inner monologue going a little like, "What did I do? I did nothing! Well maybe I did that.... damn it... I'm messed up. No, I didn't do anything..... But wait...." 

I've come to realize that I'm a gullible and naive 30 year old who wants, wishes and hopes for the best in all her friends.  You know how they say that statistically there is a percentage of a group that fits some psychological abnormal profile? Well I look around and say "can't be - look at these people, they are great."  And so I trust them - like a fool.  It isn't until after they've shown me their fang that I find myself shocked at their bite.

Two times now.  Two freaking times.  The first time around I was just a girl, who fell in love with a boy, who fell in love with another girl - forgot to tell this girl and just disappeared.  Cry, cry, cry, bitch, bitch, bitch - move on....

Fool me once, shame on you.

Second go around - the ride is still broken.  Although exact causes remain unknown at this time.  Elements had been changed to protect the passengers - emotions were removed, attachments discarded and a platonic undertone installed to add extra insurance.  Despite an overhaul on the part of the maintaining company - the machinery snapped about a week ago and parts of communication were lost - left to the wind.  So far our routine has been to cry 6 times....

Fool me twice, shame on me.

That's it.  Guilt. Self pity. Self mutilation - okay maybe not that but you get the idea.  Here I was so excited to have parlayed this broken half assed experience into a lasting friendship - and what I'm finding is that to work this has to be much more of a mutual honesty which clearly did not happen here.  Okay here's the worst, most despicable part of the entire story - I would still ride.  Right?!? What the hell!!!!

When I love I love full throttle.  I push her til she can't go no further.  And while I'm not the first to dole out hugs on the poor victims of said encounters - I would do anything for a friend.  And so - to me, the loss of a friend is a devastation much worse than that of a complacent man.  I feel foolish today and as I type, my eyes fight to stay awake.  This is what happens with this much stress and only five hours of sleep two nights in a row....

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