I am tired. I am sitting in bed, eyes closing, stomach aching and a serious case of self pity going. I have lost it about 6 times today - crying about everything. My inner monologue going a little like, "What did I do? I did nothing! Well maybe I did that.... damn it... I'm messed up. No, I didn't do anything..... But wait...."
I've come to realize that I'm a gullible and naive 30 year old who wants, wishes and hopes for the best in all her friends. You know how they say that statistically there is a percentage of a group that fits some psychological abnormal profile? Well I look around and say "can't be - look at these people, they are great." And so I trust them - like a fool. It isn't until after they've shown me their fang that I find myself shocked at their bite.
Two times now. Two freaking times. The first time around I was just a girl, who fell in love with a boy, who fell in love with another girl - forgot to tell this girl and just disappeared. Cry, cry, cry, bitch, bitch, bitch - move on....
Fool me once, shame on you.
Second go around - the ride is still broken. Although exact causes remain unknown at this time. Elements had been changed to protect the passengers - emotions were removed, attachments discarded and a platonic undertone installed to add extra insurance. Despite an overhaul on the part of the maintaining company - the machinery snapped about a week ago and parts of communication were lost - left to the wind. So far our routine has been to cry 6 times....
Fool me twice, shame on me.
That's it. Guilt. Self pity. Self mutilation - okay maybe not that but you get the idea. Here I was so excited to have parlayed this broken half assed experience into a lasting friendship - and what I'm finding is that to work this has to be much more of a mutual honesty which clearly did not happen here. Okay here's the worst, most despicable part of the entire story - I would still ride. Right?!? What the hell!!!!
When I love I love full throttle. I push her til she can't go no further. And while I'm not the first to dole out hugs on the poor victims of said encounters - I would do anything for a friend. And so - to me, the loss of a friend is a devastation much worse than that of a complacent man. I feel foolish today and as I type, my eyes fight to stay awake. This is what happens with this much stress and only five hours of sleep two nights in a row....
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