I am tired. I am sitting in bed, eyes closing, stomach aching and a serious case of self pity going. I have lost it about 6 times today - crying about everything. My inner monologue going a little like, "What did I do? I did nothing! Well maybe I did that.... damn it... I'm messed up. No, I didn't do anything..... But wait...."
I've come to realize that I'm a gullible and naive 30 year old who wants, wishes and hopes for the best in all her friends. You know how they say that statistically there is a percentage of a group that fits some psychological abnormal profile? Well I look around and say "can't be - look at these people, they are great." And so I trust them - like a fool. It isn't until after they've shown me their fang that I find myself shocked at their bite.
Two times now. Two freaking times. The first time around I was just a girl, who fell in love with a boy, who fell in love with another girl - forgot to tell this girl and just disappeared. Cry, cry, cry, bitch, bitch, bitch - move on....
Fool me once, shame on you.
Second go around - the ride is still broken. Although exact causes remain unknown at this time. Elements had been changed to protect the passengers - emotions were removed, attachments discarded and a platonic undertone installed to add extra insurance. Despite an overhaul on the part of the maintaining company - the machinery snapped about a week ago and parts of communication were lost - left to the wind. So far our routine has been to cry 6 times....
Fool me twice, shame on me.
That's it. Guilt. Self pity. Self mutilation - okay maybe not that but you get the idea. Here I was so excited to have parlayed this broken half assed experience into a lasting friendship - and what I'm finding is that to work this has to be much more of a mutual honesty which clearly did not happen here. Okay here's the worst, most despicable part of the entire story - I would still ride. Right?!? What the hell!!!!
When I love I love full throttle. I push her til she can't go no further. And while I'm not the first to dole out hugs on the poor victims of said encounters - I would do anything for a friend. And so - to me, the loss of a friend is a devastation much worse than that of a complacent man. I feel foolish today and as I type, my eyes fight to stay awake. This is what happens with this much stress and only five hours of sleep two nights in a row....
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Humble Luck.
Thirteen years ago I would not have believed you if you'd told me I'd be where I am today. Nearly thirty-one years old, NOT an award winning film maker, NOT married, NOT a mom, NOT living in New York City.... but somehow happy.... there is no way I would have believed you. Isn't if funny how we change. Not only that, but that somehow there are some people that you never thought would be, end up being still in your life. The other night, following a steady diet of too many beverages, a guy who lived right down the hall from my Freshman year college boyfriend let me do my drunk cry and rambling talk and then promptly told me to get my head out of my, well, you know.
Turns out, he was right. I woke up this morning and realized that in one week I'm going to be starting down a road I am blessed to have found - and I say this with a great deal of humility. It's 2011 and we aren't all buzzing around in our Jetson space cars quite yet. In fact, in many ways, we're sort of going backwards. Growing up all I heard was what we can now equate to "college=job". Only that isn't the case for everyone. I know some people who have quite the head on their shoulders and yet, oddly, can't get work. So when I quit my post in January - trust me when I say I know EXACTLY how lucky I am to have gotten a job by May. And a job that I am going to love? A company that is one of the best to work for in the city?? Overwhelming doesn't even begin to describe it. And I look to my friends who are still out there searching - and I want to say that I understand the frustration. I understand the hardship. Moreover, I believe in you!!!!
It is not without the support of friends and family that we get through the tough times. My parents - holy cow my parents - they are not to be believed! They have been the most amazing people through all of this and the blind belief they had in me.... It's pretty crazy to think about. And my friends - Katie, Anne, Michelle, Jake, Justin, Jason, Kristin, Julie, Lisa, Karen, Christie, Ray, Kurt, Di - EVERYONE at volleyball - wow. It's been an amazing awakening and even when I break down and cry about what I "think" is a big deal - then I look back at what really matters in life and I'm actually extremely lucky. Two years ago I was sort of treading water. Spending time with a group of people I didn't really click with, working at a job I knew wasn't really where I would spend the next decade of my life, living paycheck to paycheck and wondering "when will it change?" It did! It finally did! And it starts in a week - and I'm terrified. HA!
Anyway, that's the news with me. I have three wonderful days of volleyball this week, a weekend planned already that I'm very much looking forward to and maybe a few wine nights with friends thrown in the mix. Basically, before I know it this week will be gone and things will start to truly take shape. I'm pretty excited and thank you to everyone who helped me get here.
Ps. GUAC off details coming soon.
Kat
Turns out, he was right. I woke up this morning and realized that in one week I'm going to be starting down a road I am blessed to have found - and I say this with a great deal of humility. It's 2011 and we aren't all buzzing around in our Jetson space cars quite yet. In fact, in many ways, we're sort of going backwards. Growing up all I heard was what we can now equate to "college=job". Only that isn't the case for everyone. I know some people who have quite the head on their shoulders and yet, oddly, can't get work. So when I quit my post in January - trust me when I say I know EXACTLY how lucky I am to have gotten a job by May. And a job that I am going to love? A company that is one of the best to work for in the city?? Overwhelming doesn't even begin to describe it. And I look to my friends who are still out there searching - and I want to say that I understand the frustration. I understand the hardship. Moreover, I believe in you!!!!
It is not without the support of friends and family that we get through the tough times. My parents - holy cow my parents - they are not to be believed! They have been the most amazing people through all of this and the blind belief they had in me.... It's pretty crazy to think about. And my friends - Katie, Anne, Michelle, Jake, Justin, Jason, Kristin, Julie, Lisa, Karen, Christie, Ray, Kurt, Di - EVERYONE at volleyball - wow. It's been an amazing awakening and even when I break down and cry about what I "think" is a big deal - then I look back at what really matters in life and I'm actually extremely lucky. Two years ago I was sort of treading water. Spending time with a group of people I didn't really click with, working at a job I knew wasn't really where I would spend the next decade of my life, living paycheck to paycheck and wondering "when will it change?" It did! It finally did! And it starts in a week - and I'm terrified. HA!
Anyway, that's the news with me. I have three wonderful days of volleyball this week, a weekend planned already that I'm very much looking forward to and maybe a few wine nights with friends thrown in the mix. Basically, before I know it this week will be gone and things will start to truly take shape. I'm pretty excited and thank you to everyone who helped me get here.
Ps. GUAC off details coming soon.
Kat
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