Monday, January 3, 2011


Once upon a time I thought about writing.  Not blogs but books.  Entire novels filled with characters I created and situations I dreamed about.  Of course, once upon a time I thought digging up old dinosaur bones was my future and that didn't so much pan out either.  But writing actually seemed logical for me.  In talking with my friend yesterday about how a mathematician truly sees math,  I started to think about how I see words.  This guy is wickedly intelligent and when engaged in conversation he requires mental efficiency on my part that is refreshing beyond measure. Some topics he loses me on though. This was turning into one of those conversations. He was going on about how 1 plus 1 can equal zero by bending the equation around a poll (???) and being the ADD child of the 80's that I am, my mind wandered a bit. I started to think about how words are pretty much the same way.  You can create them, use them, criticize them and derationalize anything with them.  They are the ultimate weapon you can use and even more damaging when you don't use them in some cases.  They create language (which is true of math too only I don't really speak that language all that well....) and language to me is a lost art.  Look at how we mangle it on a day to day basis - devining new ways to be lazy about expression of thought.  Anyway, I love words and what's shocking is that while I'm currently sitting in bed, dreaming of the hour when my body is free from self inflicted toxins, I'm staring at my computer screen and unable to come up with any words for something as simple as a Facebook status.

I've been accused on several occasions of being too sensitive - it's a fair accusation.  I'm pretty much constantly worried about what people think of me which I can attribute, for the most part, to my childhood.  Developmentally I had some seriously awkward years and, while they've become some wonderful people since, the kids at the time did what kids do and hassled me about it.  But here's the deal - I'm okay with it.  I've learned to live with being something of a sap.  What it allows me to access are these incredibley intuiative feelings about other people - picking up on traits that most people don't even see in themselves.  This is why I love photography so much - apart from having a good idea for composition - I truly believe that a photograph of a person is an intimate thing.  In the stead of description, it's a visual account of reflection.  The life of Frederick Douglas is a fascinating read and full of information accounting for character, bravery and a true sense of dignity - but it's his photo on the cover that connects you to soul of the man.  I imagine that where words are a forray into someone's mind - photography is a quite literal reflection of self through the eyes of another - noticing the nuances in someones face and choosing a shutter moment at random to document it.   To be fair, I see photos even when I don't have a camera. I've often wondered if this is some strange thing or if it's a commonly shared "gift?"

Sometimes you get lucky and all the facets of your life start to make sense. You can see the harmony and the potential of them - which is how I imagine you can really discover what your passions are for the next leg of your adventure.  Language, imagery, people I'm blessed to know.... it's all becoming sybiotic in my life and leaving me wondering what greatness is going to come next.  I mean, I'm sitting here - thinking about this new blank slate of a year, starting at the empty status bar and thinking that there aren't enough words to write, and yet there aren't any words at all.  The truth is that I'm finally at a point where I want to climb to the top of a tall building and shout out to the world how blessed I am and how far 2010 took me.  I want to thank every single person I know for being a part of that.  I wish I could express how important these people - these random people in life - have become to me.  I really wish I could find a way to put in words some sort of mirror to reflect back onto them what I see.  I want to find words to explain how the little things that most people don't even know they do - those are the things that (for dramatic effect) saved me... cause kids - I wasn't very healthy in 2009 and I didn't so much value myself for much.  But sitting around my table, playing Apples to Apples and laughing hysterically - I'm a totally different person just a year later.  I will always have my mistakes of yesterday - I imagine we all have plenty of those.... but it doesn't define me - not anymore.  What I wish I could give in return is impossible.... I wish I could somehow make it possible for me to show all of these wonderful people what I see in them.  How good their hearts are and how, even when they say things or do things that aren't always the nicest, they don't lose that goodness inside.  How if you can see that in a person, then you can learn to forgive pretty much anything.  It's important, I see now, to live day by day finding the humor in and about life and being able to laugh at yourself.  It's also important to shed the negative energy and distance yourself from people who have no goodness in them - they're out there you know - the folks who lurk about and pounce on weakness for ego's gain.  But for me, I'm surrounded by happiness, goodness and hope.  If I could only make language work in my favor here - sharing all the important simple little things I see with those who I see it in.  But I can't so I will continue to take photos and maybe they'll understand someday the only topic I've ever encountered that words fail me on.