Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Bridges, Floods and Lost Highways.

So, I'm rummaging through the CNN.com photojournalism of Irene's destruction - and midst the few "WHOA!" moments, I'm starting to draw these parallels between Mother Nature and Human Nature. Well, more like my nature - which under a microscope might have some unique composites.

 This last week has been a little out of the box for me and plagued with a lot of anger.  Some of it is based on the health of my idol. Some of it is based on my own poor judgements and the consequences of my actions.  The majority of it, however, is aimed at one person... or rather... was aimed.  Much like the breezy and sunny afternoon that follows the hurricane, I now find myself weathered but still standing - and with my face in the sun.

While I could get into some long diatribe about who I am and why I am and.... yawn.......... I won't.  But people - man, people never fail to amaze me.  We live in a world of Spin - and I'm not just talking about Fox News.  We literally have disconnected ourselves so much that we fail to recognize human impact. The spirit of one to one interaction is lost - in its stead is this medium of 80 wpm and emoticons. Being insincere and cruel is second nature - and a sorry sight to behold in the stead of what was once a thriving part of your life. Living this disappointing reality, I felt my blood pressure boil over and I came to a very real conclusion - empathy, sympathy and respect are still embodied in that eye to eye contact.  This epiphany defined my anger and that definition led to the dissolved state that it is in now.  But the lesson learned has marked me right down to the core.

Essentially, friendships are very much like those bridges I see in the pictures from Irene.  They seem concrete.  They seem immovable.  They seem to go somewhere.  The truth is - in a day - they can be gone... with pieces scattered so far and wide that you cannot put them back together.  You can only build anew. With better materials and understanding of what is always possible. I learned that no matter how much stock you put into someone, how much hope, how much understanding and support you offer.... the winds might someday just blow it away.  In what I guess some folks don't understand, label as crazy or... postal.... is that for me I need to stand there and scream.  It doesn't make sense - and in the long run I usually find a better road anyway.... but it's just another detour - and I fucking hate construction.

- Kat

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Days like today.

I have exhausted my phone's registry of what I might call close friends.  I am tired.  I am sad. But the thought of someone touching me or trying to hug this away.... it's criminal.  I have so many unanswered questions - so many regrets - so much weight on my mind....

Days like today are peppered with fits of rage, moments of solace and the occasional five minutes of wanting to tear apart the old me and rebuild.  For a traditionally unemotional wreck like myself, I am lost with what to do with all this - these things I've felt for years on end in spurts and are now brought to a head again by loss on so many levels.

Between relationships and innocence, I believe that I'm stranded alone - with ironically is the most prevalent fear for me.... solitude... endless solitude.  Can you possibly fear something so much that you will it into existence? The sharp slice of the vodka - the only dependable thing I can find.  Because I'm not sure how else to find dependability.... as a broker I seem to invest my stock into sinking ships... time and time again.

How can two such radically different women exist in one body, in one soul?  The first a head strong individual ready to tackle the world.... the other this weak and feeble thing that makes me sick to think about.  But, here I am....  alone.   Through the registry and left only with a glass - my blade.  Armed wtih a compass and pursuit - I still find myself lost on this canvas - and terribly scared.