Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Not too long ago I thought, Holy Shit Batman... I am losing my mind.  And trust me, others felt it too.  And that, for lack of a better way of saying this - was not good.  But there I was - a hamster on a  wheel running my little lungs out and getting no where.  Well, that's not entirely true... I felt as though I was going backwards.  Maybe Sideways.  Anything except ahead.  There were several invisible hands pressed on my shoulders as a restraint - among them... my own.

The battlefield of the nine to five was bleeding over into my life.  And in the aftermath was a wake of bloated issues - small fires needing to be put out and quite a bit of ground to make up among those that I care about.  Relationships of all types were put to the test.  Some unfairly so and some still that will never recover.  But this is the ebb and flow that I'm living and maybe also a slight curse of being a bit blind.  But like a volcano's lava, the ground is cooling.... my resolve hardening with every day that passes now... and smiles much easier to come by than tears.

The Stones said it and I've quoted this before as I continue to live by it today - you don't always get what you want.  But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.  What I had never considered before was that previously... I was a forced piece into the wrong portion of the puzzle.  Nearly blended but off by only enough that it would take a second look to find.  They found me.  And with any luck, I'll find my right place now.  There are no promises in this life - and you won't always get what you want.  My path can still veer off.....But now that I know what my needs are... now that I have a better idea of who I am and how I can be happy.... I honestly feel like a whole new person.  Maybe I wasn't losing my mind.... maybe I was just losing my mindset.... shedding it like a snake.... and now - look at me. Don't I look good?  I'm like new. :)

Thank you to those who supported me and to those who are able to move on with me. Life isn't easy. I appreciate your faith in my character.  Much love to you all.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

1 am.

If you've ever felt as though you're losing your mind - then we have a little something in common. It is nearly 1 am and I've yet to get a wink of sleep.  Last night was a 3 hour slumber... Things do not look good to tonight to be any different.  And in the midst of it, I'm going insane - as in literally watching myself from behind a pane of glass just make error after error after error.  What's more - I cannot seem to stop.

Do you know what to do?  Because honestly, advise would be wonderful. 

And if you say "take a deep breathe" - I may punch you.  Do you know how many deep breathes I have taken.  How many "counting to ten" moments I've had.  Doesn't help.

You know how they tell you when you're young to be honest.  It's horse shit.  Honesty only hurts to say half as much as it hurts to see people react. Or not react, I suppose.

And so I'm in a holding pattern going insane.  Watching myself from behind my glass wall.  Knowing that in my heart if the feelings I have are true, they will sustain and be patient - but 150% unable to tell my brain the same.  React! React! React!!!! 

I am a fool among fools with what I think is about to be a severe blow to my emotional ego.  Good stuff, right?  Sigh.